“Intuition is the whisper of the soul.”– Jiddu Krishnamurti

December 16th, 2024

📍Denver, Colorado, USA 🇺🇸

Greetings from the wilderness! This week's letter contains a cautionary tale.

In my final days in the desert of San Miguel, I experienced another learning opportunity. I've mentioned in a previous letter that I’m learning that the crap we go through in life is sometimes the necessary fertilizer for our growth (aka healing)?

This is one of those stories.

I'm really grateful for the post-travel quarantine last week, as it gave me plenty of time to process and integrate my experience into changed behavior. Without going into specifics (yet) about this latest learning opportunity, I am thankful for all of your prayers of protection over me while in Mexico; I really needed them.

Trigger warning: This content contains descriptions of my nervous system's response to predatory behavior, including emotional manipulation, which could be triggering for some individuals.

Due to my stress levels in November, my nervous system moved me back into survival mode, and I was disregarding my body’s messages again—which I am now calling the "ick." My subconscious brain took over for me, acting like a survival mode auto-pilot. I was "sleepwalking" through much of my days again.

Ever feel like a day/week/month/year goes by you so fast that you can't believe it (or remember it)? Often wonder, "Where did the time go?" If so, please allow me to introduce you to what I call auto-pilot sleepwalking.

NOTE: The nervous system perceives stress as a danger, and to protect us, our brain sends chemical and electrical signals into the body to enable us to respond to the threat for survival. Chronic stress and fear (the human condition) can cause us to stay in this place of survival.

My brain had been sending me many stress-related danger signals, and over the last month, I had fallen back into the habit of ignoring the messages and "pushing through it." Sound familiar?

So, when I was faced with a real danger two weeks ago, I was so used to overriding the somatic (body-based) warning messages that I missed a real safety threat. Because I was already in survival mode, I was unaware that my subconscious was responding out of childhood trauma narratives with a fawn response.

Through some intense somatic therapies last week, I now learned that I was self-abandoning again. By rationalizing that the emotionally manipulative behavior I faced (from two specific individuals I met while abroad) was probably a cultural misunderstanding, I was people-pleasing as a response to the lack of safety my body was feeling. It wasn’t until the situation got worse and my fear responses moved into overdrive that I realized what that sick-to-my-stomach feeling was trying to tell me from my initial interactions with these people—Unsafe!

That "ick" feeling was a red flag warning that felt like discomfort and dis-ease in my stomach, which spread throughout my body like anxiety butterflies. Those sensations in my body were my nervous system telling me I was facing a threat.

Instead of calling these people out (fight) or removing myself (flight), I began to please and appease (fawn) in the face of their predatory behavior towards me.

To understand this autonomic response, I will briefly break down the two Dorsal Vagal shutdown responses of the body's nervous system.

Freeze and fawn are both responses to stressful or anxiety-provoking situations, but they differ in how the body reacts: 

• Freeze is a state of immobility and detachment that can cause muscle tension, numbness, fatigue, and brain fog. The body's central nervous system shuts down, and the person is unable to move or act. This response can be similar to stage fright, where someone freezes in front of a large audience. 

• Fawn, on the other hand, is a behavior that involves pleasing or appeasing others to avoid conflict or criticism. This response can involve disregarding one's needs, preferences, and boundaries. The goal is to seek safety by merging with others' needs and demands. 

The fawn response is also known as the "please and appease" response and is often associated with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD).

People pleasing is a trauma response that many of us unknowingly live out of (especially women), manifesting as difficulty setting boundaries, low self-esteem, resentment, burnout, and lack of self-care.

Through my somatic therapy work, I realized that I was self-abandoning by people-pleasing, not just in the case of this singular experience in SMA, but in various ways across my life.

My friends, I share this as a cautionary tale to highlight one of the many reasons why learning about nervous system regulation and re-associating our conscious brain with our body's sensations (somatic healing) is so important. Thank you for holding a safe space for my vulnerability.

Anyone who's ever read my story knows my journey to recovery from burnout (which is ongoing) motivated me to create the safe and beautiful spaces that I needed for my healing.

Jesus told me to increase my tent stakes (Isaiah 54), to dream big and make room for the multitude, because a global awakening has started; we’re being called to practice The Way of Jesus, to heal—Humanity heals, and the world heals.

Healing is not only challenging, it can also feel isolating—but it doesn’t have to be. Will you join me?

With love,

Jennifer

PS-  I'd love to know, how you would describe your body's unique way of signaling discomfort or danger, your "ick"? Are there specific sensations or feelings that stand out? Jump onto the main chat in The Collective communities on WhatsApp and Facebook, and let's learn from each other.

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